[Intro]
Am F G
Am G F
Am G F
[Verse 1]
Am G
I can beat every level in Mario
F
I can make you scrambled eggs
Am G
I can quote every line in Jumanji
F
I can open the fridge with my legs
Am G
I know how to Go to the grocery store
F
Without using GPS
Am G
I learned how to juggle on YouTube
F Dm7 Dm7 Dm7
But there's something I gotta get off my chest
[Pre-Chorus]
FM7
I don’t know how to Do my taxes
G
I stash my cash in a mattress
Am
Don't know how to change a tire
Am
That's why I take the bus
FM7
I don’t know how to use a drill
G
I gotta ask my neighbor Phil
Am
To help me hang a picture
Am G Am
'Cause I'm stupid and I suck
[Chorus]
FM7 G
I could learn all of these skills
C Em Am
But I doubt I ever will
F
My dad is ashamed of me
Em Dm C G Am G F Am G F
'cause I just turned 33
[Verse 2]
Am G
I can nap pretty much whenever
F G
I can cook a burger well-done
Am G
I can make my eyes roll to the back of my head
F Am
I can make my tongue look like a hot dog bun
Am7 G
I know how to put two holes in an apple
FM7
And smoke it like a bong
Am G
I can chug a can of Sprite in a minute
F Dm Dm7 Dm7
And then carve that can into a bong
FM7
But I can't spell "restaurant"
G
I know it starts with R
Am
And I know it ends with T
Am
The middle is a mystery
FM7
I don't know how to make a pasta sauce
G
I mostly use ketchup
Am
It's still tomato-based
Am G Am
Get off my friggin' case
[Chorus]
FM7 G
I could learn all of this shit
Em Am
But every time I try, I quit
F
My mom is ashamed of me
Em Dm C G Am F G
’cause I just turned 33
[Bridge]
Dm G
When Albert Einstein was 26
C G Am
He discovered relativity
F G
And when I was 26, I chugged some
C G Am
Vodka through my butt at a party
Dm G
When Greta Thunberg was 17
C G Am
She was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize
F G
When I was 17, I got
C G Am
Shot in the dick playing paintball
Dm G
When Michael Jordan was 24
C CM7 Am
He won the MVP award
F G C CM7 Am
And when I was 24, I took mushroo-o-o-o-oooms
Dm G
When Oprah Winfrey was 32
C CM7 Am
She changed television forever
F G Am Am Am
When I was 32 I asked my father for a hundred dollars
And he said
Dm G
No-ohohooooo
Am
Not again, not-a not again, not again
Dm G
Nooo hohoho hoo
Am
Not again, not-a not again, not again
Dm G Am G C
F G Am C G Am
Am F G
I, I suck
Am F G
I, I suck (I suck at stuff)
Am F G
I, I suck (I suck at stuff)
Am G
I, I suck (I fucking suck)
Am F G C B5
I suck, I suck, I suck at stuff
Am F G C B5
I suck, I suck, at stuff
Am F G C B5
I suck, I suck, I suck at stuff (I suck, I suck, I suck)
Am F G
I suck, I suck (I fucking suck, I suck)
[Chorus]
F G
I could learn all of these skills (I fucking suck so much)
C Am
But I doubt I ever will (I fucking suck)
F
My uncle’s ashamed of me
F Dm C G Am
'cause I just turned thirty three
G G Am
And I suck